When the Going Gets Tough
Some people have this amazing ability to bounce back from whatever life throws at them. They have a certain elasticity and robustness that allows them to spring back (or forward) stronger than before. According to researchers, that quality is resilience — an optimal combination of emotional flexibility and strength that helps them adapt to, or manage significant stress or trauma so well.
I have often likened the way people react to adverse events to what happens when you drop a teapot. Some teapots appear to be indestructible. You drop them and not a mark can be felt or seen. Some people easily brush off stressors, moving on rapidly.
With some teapots you may find hairline cracks or the spouts drop off. Many of us spend time and expend energy trying to make sense of it all: What could I have done differently? What drove the decisions that resulted in the situation? Could it have been someone else’s fear, ego, discrimination, incompetence or greed? Was the ‘opportunity’ or path right for me in the first place?
Some teapots get smashed to smithereens. For some, these situations could be catalysts for deep feelings of failure and loss of meaning and purpose.
One step forward, two steps backwards
We may have come to expect life to be on an upward trajectory. However, we soon accumulate experiences that cause us to be further behind than we may have hoped.
In fact, there has been no shortage of adversity recently.
As a society, we watched horrified as those reports and daily briefings of infections turned into those of deaths. Then lockdown kicked in. Many of our liberties restrained for months. We got through it with sourdough, clapping for key workers, Captain Tom, Joe Wicks and Zoom. We thought we were on the other side with Track and Trace. We were asked to Eat Out to Help Out. Our children returned to schools, colleges and universities. Then the infection numbers and rates began to climb. The brakes came on, again. It was yet another setback.
In our personal and professional lives, we may have story aplenty of adversity and setbacks. Stressors can be in finding shelter, relationships, at work, our health or whilst leading.
It could be that you were side lined for an external candidate for a promotion you thought was yours in an organisation you’d dedicated your entire career and sacrificed family time for.
It could be that you got an interview for your dream job after months of no reply to applications and bills piling up. You proceeded to the second and third stages and flew in for the fourth. Then the email from HR arrived saying there wasn’t much in it but the job was offered to another candidate.
It could be your offer for your perfect property was accepted. You paid up for the survey. The mortgage was approved. Your lawyer was all poised. Then the phone call from the estate agent arrived to let you know that the vendor pulled out.
It could be you were implementing the five-year plan for your blossoming enterprise. You brought in the staff. You bought the equipment. In a matter of weeks, your clients and business disappeared.
It could be that after recovering from a protracted period of ill-health, you went out for a day cycling with your pals. You slipped off your bike. A day later you were back in hospital having taken a hit to your head and in need of surgical intervention.
It could be that who you believed was your life long partner walked out on you and the children. You found the courage to start over. After years of left and right swipes you made an amazing match. Texts turned into phone calls followed by in-person dates. Then you woke up one morning to a text message, rather than confirming how much they were looking forward to seeing you again, they were out. They suddenly realised they could not give you what they thought you wanted.
Whatever it could be or was, few of us are immune. Furthermore, there are times in our lives we get a tsunami of these adverse events in one go!
From smithereens to ‘indestructible’
We can create the conditions in our lives that help us bounce back and adapt better. It is preferable to have bucket loads of resilience before adverse events hit. However, through our attempts to cope and manage adversities and traumas opportunities for growth can emerge. This growth in turn can make us more resilient.
People who bounce back share some qualities and resources in their environment that we can draw on.
People who bounce back don’t give up. They keep moving and are open to new paths.
These people are able to adapt to change. They have a willingness to deal with whatever comes their way. When things look hopeless, they choose to carry on.
They can look back to past successes to give them confidence for new challenge. They are open to new possibilities whether it is in a relationship, finding a home, at work or in business. They can recognise new opportunities or pathways.
They concur with the words of Joseph Kennedy, etched in our subconscious in the song by Billy Ocean, ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ Now get up. Start moving once more. That’s it, you can!
People who bounce back know their strength whilst recognising they need others.
Although they know their strengths, be it in character, knowledge or skills, they recognise they cannot do it all.
Their strengths could be in taking the lead with problem solving or in not being easily discouraged. They are often good at putting in their best effort no matter what. They may even see themselves as strong but know that we all need people.
They have at least one close and secure relationship or are working on building this. They can engage the support of others. They know where to turn for help. Whether in leading ourselves, our families or teams at work, we cannot know and do it all. We need our team or tribe to augment our knowledge, skill and abilities as we navigate life.
People who bounce back value life. They can see the ironies and the funny side of life.
They appreciate their life, those of others and life generally. The valuing of life manifests itself in gratitude. There may be adversities and stressors around, however they can find things to be thankful for.
They recognise that each breath and each day are gifts. With this understanding, they treat themselves and others with kindness. They grasp the irony of helping others, in that the giver often benefits more than the receiver.
People who bounce back may have a spirituality.
They sometimes see fate or the hands of destiny at work. They may see a deity as a source of help. They may believe that things, including their pain or suffering, happen for a reason. Their belief may allow them to let go and acknowledge the limits of their control.
Whatever teapot we most resemble in tough times, we all have the potential to become more resilient.
In recognising our strengths, our need for others, in appreciating life and being open, our response to pains and stressors may give us the opportunity to grow. We know to adapt as we return to the search for the home, loving partner, fulfilling work, improved health or growing a worthwhile and profitable enterprise.
We keep moving.
