Simple Ways to Help Someone Grieving
As the news of people passing comes through like some awful tap that won’t stop dripping, we may be searching for words to comfort others and ourselves.
Returning from a walk at Cleeve Hill, the highest point in Gloucestershire, my phone pinged. There was a picture of a friend on our Uni graduation day. She had passed away. Earlier, I had enjoyed the scenery and taken photos of the snow-covered landscape on the walk. The buzz from my peak experience evaporated.
This was the walk to mark the end of January, a tough enough month as I remembered my parents. We may each have a month that we focus on remembering particular loved ones. Of course, their memories are with us always. This time, the remembering has been compounded by further loss. These are not just losses of people I know. It seems to expand exponentially — members of families and friends of acquaintances and old colleagues. Perhaps as a society we are more willing to let other people know or the numbers are just greater.
Nevertheless, news of each loss can knock us back, but we rebound. Then there is news of another. How much more can we take? Having previously written on resilience, it is possible that we can handle a lot more than we realise.
With lockdown, as much as I know that there are people at the end of a phone line or Zoom video lens, I feel the need to take responsibility for my emotions. I often encourage myself moments after the news arrives. I may say ‘c’est la vie’. It is all part of the cycle of life.
But we hope for a lengthy life, even though we know it is not guaranteed. Don’t we? We can remind ourselves to live each day fully — whatever that means. We can choose to be grateful that we still have breath. Blah, blah, blah. We can cry. I cry.
Soon enough, we have to engage with the partner or the family. Just as we found comfort in the words of others when we may have faced our own loss, we can do that for others. A simple text like ‘So sad to hear of your loss. My condolences’ or a sympathy card if that way inclined go a long way.
We can share some anecdotes or pictures of time spent with the person who has passed. Those little anecdotes may just about filter through the senses of someone hurting. However, a few weeks or months later they may help. Through those words, we can learn more about the person we have lost, especially their hidden kind acts and the impact their lives had on others.
After the funeral is done and everyone else seems to have carried on, we can still check in regularly with the family member, friend or the work colleague working from home. All we may need to do is ask ‘How are you today?’.
Whatever we do, we do not pretend the loss did not happen in our family, friendship group, with neighbours, colleagues, in our community, team, school or workplace. We should be human enough to reach out beyond our own discomfort. We need each other.
More information about grief and support can be found through the following: NHS, Cruse Bereavement Care, AtaLoss.org and Childhood Bereavement Network
IN MEMORY OF TOLU
